I wish life would get easy and stay easy. I wish when people told you they love you they meant it. I've done it to. I've told someone I loved them without meaning it. Is this my payback?
No. Because I was left behind and handed my heart back before I threw it at someone else to handle. I hate having my own heart. It seems, as of late, that I give it away and get it returned all scarred up and whatnot. At that point it's easier to hand it to someone else. Now it's with me and I cannot pawn it off. I really want to try and care for and nurture it, but I want so much to trade with someone as well.
Ever feel like the world's against you? I didn't feel that way before. Not that I recall anyway. I knew that it was mostly my fault and honestly enjoyed the angst. But now... I don't know what I did wrong. I don't know why people won't talk to me, what I did wrong to hurt them or what I can do to make any of it better. What hurts is that I know only time can truly heal these things, but I feel so alone right now. I want everything to be okay now.
I know I have 2 or 3 friends who would try to help me with this, but all they would be doing is patching it up in the mean-time. What I need, what I want, is to talk with people, to fix this all. But I can't if they won't talk to me.
I am really tired of crying. I am really tired of being alone with my hearts. I am so very exhausted. I want to sleep. And I don't want to wake up until this is all better.
Well, I guess I could sum up what went on in my life, but then what reason would you have to talk to me? None. I know what happened and that's good enough, if you want to know, ask.
How awesome is it that I can say that?! I think it's pretty cool.
Well, I guess I could tell you what's going well in my life right now. Although that list seems like it might be on the long side. But oh well, it's nice. And I said I wanted to write didn't I?
So I'm dating an awesomely amazing and sweet guy. He's nerdy, but not overly so. He's affectionate and warm. ^_^ Unfortunately he's going to U of O next fall. Sure I'm sad about this now, but will I be then? I don't know, I hope so, as odd as that sounds. He reads really quickly and wants his Bachelor's in American History or Political Science. The kind of creepy part is that he's exactly one year younger than my last boyfriend. Yeah, their birthday is the same day, one year apart.
I have an amazing job. I love it. I helped create and now maintain, on my own, a tracking system for returning books with an online high school. Basically collections, but that doesn't sound as impressive now does it? XD My supervisor went through several temps before I got there and so far I'm the one she's liked the most, apparently and according to the receptionist, Emilie. Emilie, who is awesome, by the way. She and I hang out, go to Powell's and go to coffee, she's really awesome.
I just moved in with Corin. It seems so strange to me that I'm out on my own, but I am. It's an amazing feeling. I don't know any other way to explain it, and I don't think I need any other way. I can't wait to start school, as I expect myself to. I also expect myself to do well.
Well, I have work in the morning, so I should go to bed. Actually, I'm probably going to talk to my boyfriend, read and then attempt to sleep. ^_^;
Okay, so it looks like it has only bee two weeks since I last updated... I think, but it seems like a lot longer than that.
I'm leaving for bootcamp next Monday. I'm seriously stressing out now. I'm so scared I won't make it. That I can't cut it and that I'll just be sent home for being fat. hahaha.
My boyfriend and I are... ending. I'm trying to figure out how I feel about that. Our relationship has been so laid back and easy that it's like 'whatever', but at the same time I like that it's so easy. I know I have to move on and finally start my life, so I guess it's all okay.
We were supposed to have a nice Birthday/Going away party last night, but one of our friends decided he didn't want to go and didn't bother to tell anyone. Which was really inconvenient because he was some other friends' ride. So it was just me, Kyle, Kurt and Kalem.
Wow, I really can't stay away from having friends with the 'K' sound beginning, can I? Hahaha, didn't learn my lesson the first couple times, huh?
Oh, and please forgive my terrible grammar, I'm really stressing out, all shakey 'cause it's cold and slightly hung over. But only slightly. ^_^;
I really wish Barry could have been here because he's so cool. Darn.
I guess I really don't have much else to update with, so... I'm done. ^_^
And I totally kicked arse on the D-lab todday. Okay, so maybe not kicked arse, but damn near close. I passed and I qualify for the language I want.
So there we go.
And how is Ruschè online? She's at a friend's house. Yes, a friend. I am a sad person, but very happy now. xDDDD
So anywasy!
Work is boring, but pay friggin' awesome ($12 and hour no tax) and I find out Friday how long I'm going to be in this Delayed Entry Program. Right now I'm scheduled to leave for bootcamp on the first of October, but with my new career change (FUCKIIN YAY) it may be a lot later.... not sure. I also found out that the sign-on bonus for my new rate (career) goes up by $4,000 in January. ::shrug::
I wish summers were the way they used to be, you know, before we grew up. When summer was just a time where you could hang out with whoever (usually the kid with the A/C at their house). When you would mow the lawn for your dad to get a couple bucks to spend at the store. And going to the store with your friend was your whole day. You didn't need plans to entertain yourself and you didn't need money. When you didn't care if your clothes were dirty or if you sweat like a pig, you never really noticed. When we didn't have bills, or drugs, or sex, or responsibility. When the worst fight with your best friend was over a toy not dating or suicide.
I guess after so many years of feeling like an adult, now that I am one I just want to be a kid again. Things were so simple back then. Hormones didn't screw with your head, you didn't hate your parents, the family dog was your second best friend and you could have fun all day with a ball. A freaking ball. That's all you needed.
I've never had such horribly strong nostalgia before...
That link is only good for 7 days. So it expires Thursday, July 26th 2007. FYI.
^_^;
Edit: Please comment if you take, like or hate. Sorry, it's REALLY repetitive. I didn't realize it was six minutes long until I had already exported it. I need to cut it in half, there's a good stopping point somewhere in the middle, but I got carried away. XD
I have joined the Military. Officially I swore in Friday night roughly at 10:30 pm.
I think that was the longest fucking day of my life.
I met a lot of great people, and a couple cute guys. It only fuels my fire to get the fuck out of my dreary, boring life and join the Navy. Now I want to leave in 45 days. But for now I'm enjoying my vacation. Well, trying. For some reason I'm not allowing myself the full pleasure of being with my best/only current friends. And I haven't been geeking out at all.
I've been talking to Cat and Chelsea. I guess I never really realized how awesomely cool they are.
So I'll be going to lunch with mein mother in an hour or so. Apparently she's moving a bunch of furniture and was nice enough (I really mean that, I'm not bein sarcastic) to call and tell me she might be a bit late. I'm so glad to see her grow like this. I love my mom to death. So after lunch I think I might go with her and Charlie to Chuck's house. Maybe Io can convince him to let me borrow/burn a copy of that CD I bought him. XDDDDDD
Thanks to Laura, I really want ice cream and to buy Julieta Venegas CDs. XD Now I wish I had stuck it out and learned Spanish. Japanese seems so useless to me now, but that's probably because I'm sitting here on Corin's compy and listening to Julieta Venegas. She's so awesome. O_O And hawt. O_O I hate her.
Awkward. I think that's the second time I've thought of another woman like that in a long time. And I think I caught myself flirting with Chelsea. wtf. Right. So moving on.
So ... yeah. ^_^;
::tries to think of more to update with::
::shrug::
I guess if I think of something I'll come back. Para mira!/Mitte!/But hey! Look! I'm online! It's crazy!
Artist: Madonna Album: Like a Prayer Song: Dear Jessie
Baby face don´t grow so fast Make a special wish that will always last Rub this magic lantern He will make your dreams come true for you
Ride the rainbow to the other side Catch a falling star and then take a ride To the river that sings and the clover that Brings good luck to you, it´s all true
[Chorus:]
Pink elephants and lemonade, dear Jessie Hear the laughter running through the love parade Candy kisses and a sunny day, dear Jessie See the roses raining on the love parade
If the land of make believe Is inside your heart it will never leave There´s a golden gate where the fairies all wait And dancing moons, for you
Close your eyes and you´ll be there Where the mermaids sing as they comb their hair Like a fountain of gold you can never grow old Where dreams are made, your love parade
[Chorus]
Your dreams are made inside the love parade It´s a holiday inside the love parade
On the merry-go-round of lovers and white turtle doves Leprechauns floating by, this is your lullaby Sugarplum fingertips kissing your honey lips Close your eyes sleepy head, is it time for your bed Never forget what I said, hang on you´re already there
Close your eyes and you´ll be there Where the mermaids sing as they comb their hair Like a fountain of gold you can never grow old Where dreams are made, your love parade
Well I'm tired, so tired of getting up and wasting another day I wish the picture on the wall would still say it all But now yesterday is so far away And I would give anything, say anything To keep it all like it was But you just throw it all away And I think this house is not my home I think that I'd rather be alone tonight I'm trying, trying to fake it I'm tired, so tired, of giving up and taking all the blame I wish the shouting and the fights would stop for the night Can't close my eyes and make them all go away And I would give anything, say anything To keep it all like it was But you just throw it all away
This is the part where you say You can't stay together just for me This is the part where you make me choose On whose side I want to be This is the part where you decide What's going to be best for me This is the start Now we grow apart
Falling Apart By Zebrahead
Stutter step through another trap set by deception Mention rejection Always lies in your eyes Settles in your action Jeopardize everything that I want And I won't compromise anything anymore In any way victimize myself any more Liberty (YEAH) Manipulations on my mind Expectations well defined Frustrate me Liberate me Cause everything's falling apart You can't control me, You can't control me Everything's falling apart
Now I can't see you Doesn't matter what I do I can't see you Cause everything's falling apart I got exposed to a deeper form of infection Shout out "I need acception" Always lies in your eyes Settles in your action Criticize everything that I do And I will overcome anything that's in store Nevermore look up to you and adore Liberty (YEAH)
Manipulation is on my mind Inspect me - try to check me Expectations well defined Dissect me - want to wreck me Violator of my own will Accept me - reject me Separate or SHOOT TO KILL
I want to update... and post something, but I don't know what to say...
XD
Edit:
"You're short but you're cute."
He totally made my day. *^_^*
Edit 2:
Radio Commercial:
"Volkswagen, German engineering without the German price."
WTF?! We got rid of the people who jack prices up! Well... we tried. XDDDD Well, we didn't try ti get rid of people like my boss. That's our next target. >.> Shhh...
Roffles. I'm totally kidding! Please don't take offense! XDD
This is a very good book so far (I'm only on page 69, man has my reading slowed down. ;_; ). Thanks Corin for suggesting it! ^u^/
Here's my favorite character description so far. This guy isn't a main character (as far as I can tell), but his description is priceless! XD
"'Crispin Horsefry, my lord, and I don't like your tone of questioning!'
For a moment it seemd that even the chairs themselves edged away from him. Mr. Horsefry was a fyoungish man, not simply running to fat but vaulting, leaping and diving toward obesity. He had aquired, at thirty, an impressive selection of chins, and now they wobbled with angry pride.*
* It is wrong to judge by appearences. Despite his expression, which was of a piglet having a bright idea, and his mode of speech, which might put you in mind of a small, breathless, neurotic, but ridiculously expensive dog, Mr. Horsefry might well have been a kind, generous, and pious man. In the same way, the man climbing out of your window in a stripy jumper, a mask, and a great hurry might merely be lost on the way to a fancy-dress party, and the man in the wig and robes at the focus of the courtroom might only be a transvestite who wandered in out of the rain. Snap judgements can be so unfair."
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